I Want Peace.

What a WEEK!

Last Wednesday I started out the day full of life and the world was a bright an colorful place! I got off work early, had a few errands to run, went to the mall and did some shopping with my mom and my little Kai, and by the time I laid down at night, I felt the aches coming on. I woke up Thursday morning with the full on flu. Went to work anyway. From then until now it's progressed into a full on sinus and throat infection complete with an ear infection. I have been experiencing a lot of personal growth in my life lately, and right there in the middle of it I felt like a big PAUSE button was pushed. I am happy to say that today is the first day I feel somewhat normal and I am more than ready to get back to our somewhat inconsistent routine.

When you are a free spirit and you are married to one, routine is something that is needed, but it is also something that you have to hold on to lightly. It does not come natural, nor does it always come easy. Here's one thing I have learned while trying desperately to add some sort of order to our life: DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. It might not look completely organized to someone else. Your routine may look like a wild ride compared to your "soccer mom-super woman" friends, but if it works for you, don't be intimidated by what it does or does not look like. Don't compare, but challenge yourself to be better at the things that are priorities in you life. Take advice and glean from what other people who are on the same journey have learned. Be content, but never satisfied. Be strong, yet vulnerable, and tender yet tenacious.

Never give-up on yourself. Seasons always change, and so will you. Healthy things GROW and growing things CHANGE. Stay true to who you are, but always leave room for God to complete His work of purifying you.

These are all things that I am learning, and currently trying to grab ahold of. A song a friend of mine wrote once really drove home the point that God loves me just the way that I am, but He loves me too much to leave me that way. What a profound truth to grab ahold of! I feel comforted by this in one second and in the next, my insecurity puts her hands on her hips and in full on defense mode says, "Wait a second God, what's wrong with the way that I am?" And then the thought dances around in my head a little more and I am able to admit to God (like He didn't already know) that I don't really have it all together. I want to do a good job at life, but most days I have this underlying anxiety and feel like I am moments away from dropping the ball... What ball?! I don't even know! The ball that no one forced me to pick up in the first place. I'm not good at vulnerable, and coming to this point in our relationship with God, and even our spouses takes intimidating amounts of it. It goes without saying that God does not require my vulnerability in order to see past the outer layers, but why do we try so hard and even have it all pulled together when approaching Him? Vulnerability takes the focus off of fear, and places the focus on peace, and I want peace. My home can offer the most inviting, cozy, peaceful atmosphere, but if my mind and heart can not offer me a place to rest and be at peace with myself and my creator, it's all a charade. I am determined to get this right, not to the point of expecting perfection, but to the point of letting it sink in. I want it grab ahold of the restlessness inside of me and gently lay it to rest. It's getting closer, and it is with a humble heart that I can look and see God's unfailing love at work in me.

Still working on getting my blog, as well as other projects in my life, back to a level of consistency. My blog layout is a little anemic these days, so bear with me.

xoxo

Karis